How To Offend Women In Five Syllables or Less
by Duchess Sophie von Teschen
Summary: It seems that with each passing year, Derek and Odette get more and more annoyed by the other one's actions- even the private ones. Rated T for subject matter. Inspired by a scene from the Blue Lagoon.


Takes place the summer after Odette kicked down Derek's treehouse, so they'd be about 13-15 years old in this fic. I also thought this quote might make the story more romantic than it seems, if you relate it to their kiss;

"Once you steal something, you spend your whole life fighting to keep it."

;D

Odette angrily marched outside, hands balled on the curve of her hips. Just as she thought; Derek was sulking in the same tree where just last summer the young princess had reduced his treehouse to ruins. The thing was junk, anyway- it came down with a single swift kick to its only support beam.

On this particular day they had been making forts in the palace kitchen, despite protests from the cooks. Odette had made hers to play house. The stupid boys had other ideas. Needless to say, the fun ended in broken china, splintered chairs, and a paddle to their behinds. Odette, fuming, followed the prince outside after the ordeal to rub his nose in it. It was his fault, after all.

"We're never going to be allowed to play forts again!" she shouted up to the prince.

"Thanks to you!" Derek shouted back without hesitation. It was her fault, after all; she had thrown the first plate. What a typical, dumb girl. She was playing house in her fort and hogging all the chairs. You don't need a fort to play house! He took a dramatic bite of his apple to emphasize his point.

"It's not my fault you and Bromley thought it would be a good idea to wage war on my fort," she screeched with a wince. "Besides, you're supposed to play with _me_ all the time, not Bromley."

"No! I could never play here with JUST you! I don't even like you! You're annoying and ugly and dumb! You're just a stupid girl." Derek yelled back, then spun on his butt on the branch he was sitting on to turn away from her. Odette was absolutely furious now.

"Well, you're not so perfect either, Prince Derek! I've seen you playing with _it_, and I'll tell your mother!"

She imitated him with a rude hand gesture and an exaggerated facial expression, with her mouth open wide like an "O". That was what she had seen, on numerous occasions. She didn't spy on him in the act just so she could use this information against him, but she had been genuinely curious about what he was up to. It was almost exciting to watch- like it was forbidden. It just so happened to give her an advantage. Derek whipped back around to face her; his face was beet red now and his lips were pressed together in an angry, thin line.

"You wouldn't."

"Oh yeah?" Odette retaliated, pivoting on one foot as though she was about to return to the palace and do the deed.

"I _hate _you!" he screamed, and threw his half-eaten apple as hard as he could, narrowly missing her.

"You almost hit me!" she shrieked, jumping. He couldn't stand her squealy girl voice.

"Take it back! Take back what you said!" he demanded, almost fearfully. What if she really did tell his mother? Shame burned on his cheeks.

" I've seen it all! _And_ what happens after you've been doing it a long time!" She mocked him again.

"Shut up! That's not fair peeking! I don't peek on you!"

"That's a lie! You're always staring at my... " her voice broke off. After a second of awkward silence, she gestured to the budding peach-sized lumps on her chest, and then crossed her arms to cover them.

"Only 'cause they look so funny!" the prince taunted. "You know what you look like now, Odette? You look like one of those pictures Chamberlain has in his drawer. One of his floozy girls!" He grabbed his own chest and squeezed.

Her face turned scarlet. The tables were turned.

"Stop it!" she yelled in a whiny voice. He was being _so_ mean!

"Coochie coochie coo!" He continued playing with his imaginary breasts, much to the princess's distress.

"Stop!" she commanded, hurt in her eyes. But Derek enjoyed this game. He continued his mockery.

"Oh, hello castle guard," she spoke in a singsong fellatio as he bowed low, pushing his chest together and up to fake cleavage. "Good afternoon!"

Odette clenched her fists and stomped her foot on the grass. Her heart jumped up to her throat.

"That's _it_! Get down here, Derek, or I swear I'm gonna… "

"Or what? Whatcha gonna do?" Derek challenged her. He began rubbing his nipples through his shirt as he flipped his invisible, long, luscious, blonde hair out of his face. The imitation was obvious. Not true, but obvious.

"You're a pig!" she cried. She began furiously kicking the tree. Derek only laughed. In a spark of genius, Odette ran back to where his apple had landed, picked it up, and flung it with all her might at the prince.

"HEY! STOP IT!"

But it was too late. The fruit hit him dead-on between the eyes. He lost his balance, and fell to the ground with a softened thud. Despite the pain, he immediately jumped up- ready for action- and with a look of fury attacked Odette. She was pushed down by the brute force of his tackle and began screaming and ripping at his hair as they fought, rolling down the hill. Derek pushed a hand in her face and she bit him. He cried out and grabbed her hair, then used his other hand to try to grasp her wrist. She repeatedly beat him on the back with her fist.

" I HATE YOU!"

" I HATE YOU MORE!"

" UGLY!"

" PIG!"

They stopped at the bottom of the hill and struggled for a bit more until he finally pinned her down. She resisted and began kicking and flailing wildly. The prince gripped the princess's wrists until her hands turned pale. Her breath quickened.

"Get off of me!" she spat, putting all of her efforts into trying to knee him in the groin. He arched his back to avoid her blows.

"Say 'Derek is the smartest person in the kingdom'."

"No!" Odette refused and arched her back as well, trying to wriggle out of his hold, but she was overpowered.

"Say it!"

"Stop it, Derek! I'm getting angry! You're hurting me! Stop it! Get off!"

He lifted her wrists once and slammed them back onto the ground. She squeaked.

"Say it!" he ordered again.

"Derek is the smartest person in the kingdom," she mumbled. He smashed her wrists downward again, relishing in his victory.

"In the world!" he squealed with delight.

"In the world!" she mumbled.

"Strongest swimmer!"

"Strongest swimmer."

"And the fastest runner!"

"Fastest runner," she obliged, getting louder. Derek continued. Although his grip on her wrists loosened.

"Best hunter!" He grinned stupidly. What a typical, dumb boy.

"You're the best at everything, Derek! Now get off!"

Satisfied, he rolled off of her and smirked as he watched her get up, wincing. "That's right, I am."

"You're a pig," she muttered defeatedly.

Derek sat up straight, brushed his hair out of his eyes, and dusted off his shirt. Odette did as well. Both of their breathing returned to a normal pace as they composed themselves, absorbing everything that had just happened- including what they had just confessed to each other. A lump formed in Odette's throat and her heart did a flip at the thought of the secret act Derek performed in his bedroom, and the memory of what it had felt like to be watching him. It was forbidden, she knew, but why?

"What are you LOOKING at?" Derek snapped. The princess didn't realize she had been staring at him with a wistful look on her face. She shrugged as if to not answer him, and then thought otherwise. There was a question that had been burning inside of her, and she was going to ask it.

"Have you ever… kissed a girl?" She looked down at her hands in her lap. Derek gaped at her.

"What? You're really acting really strange lately, Odette. Always saying DUMB things like that. Always LOOKING at me weird! You're not getting sick, are you? Don't give it to me." His heart beat faster despite his seemingly cool demeanor.

"But have you?" she reiterated, looking up at him with blue doe eyes through her thick black lashes. Derek, abashed, looked away.

"Sure… plenty of times… "

Odette blushed and her heart sank. She insisted to herself that she wasn't jealous, just… _upset_ that he had kissed someone and she hadn't yet. Yeah, that was why.

"Who?"

"I've kissed you."

" On the hand."

" Yeah, so what? It's a kiss," he said as he crossed his arms. Odette rolled her eyes and sighed in exasperation.

"Not that, a _real_ kiss. On the mouth. Like Father and Uberta do sometimes."

"What? No! That's gross!" Derek squeezed his eyes shut and stuck out his tongue in disgust. The thought of his mother kissing her father made him gag. And yet, the thought of kissing Odette had the opposite effect on him- and had been a frequent idea at the forefront of his thoughts for a while now.

"What's gross about it?" Odette squeaked, "I think it's romantic." She swooned and placed her hands under her chin. A stupid boy like Derek would never understand.

"I think it's repulsive," he mumbled with a pout. He really wanted nothing more than to get off the subject, but of course, the princess continued.

"Father says I can only kiss the man I love, and then I'll live happily ever after," she sighed airily, swooning again.

"Yeah right." Derek stuck a finger down his throat.

"Aren't you curious? Don't you want to try, to know what it's like?" Odette inquired in an annoyed voice.

"No," he replied sternly, with a subtle harrumph. "Never. Besides, I…"

"What?"

"I… nothing."

"No, tell me."

"Why should I tell you?" he hissed.

"Because if you don't, I'm going tell Queen Uberta that you t- " she was cut off by Derek's hand over her mouth. He did not want to hear those words come out of her mouth again; it was embarrassing that _she_ knew, of all people- the one he wanted to impress most. He swallowed hard.

"Alright, alright! It's just that I… I wouldn't even know how."

A moment of silence passed as Odette registered what he had said. A look of puzzled relief crossed her features.

"Oh… me neither," she confessed, looking at her hands again. After a moment, she looked up, and Derek was staring at her. Her heart began racing. The chirp of birds drifted through the quiet between them. Pressured by his eyes on her, Odette spoke again.

"Well, I mean, I think you just… sort of pucker your lips… like this… " She scrunched her lips in demonstration. Derek, to prove that he wasn't completely unknowledgeable, added to her statement. He uncrossed his arms.

"And you lean in like this… " he stammered as he leaned toward her. She did the same. Her eyelids became heavy.

"Yeah… " she said, voice husky with her rapid breathing. The tip of her nose touched his.

"And then… " Derek whispered before closing his eyes and the gap between them. Their lips met, softly, sweetly, tensely; they held them together for a few moments as a gentle wave of pleasure coursed through them both. They pulled away. The young prince and princess only looked at each other, inches from touching. Derek was the first to break the silence.

"I have a funny feeling in my stomach."

Odette licked her lips and pressed them together. She could taste him.

"Me too," she whispered.

"My heart is beating really fast," Derek laughed nervously, blood rushing to his cheeks. Odette managed to smile weakly for a second, and then it faded. She couldn't move. Her eyes were fixed on him.

"Mine too."

A moment passed between them. Then the prince's face twisted as he remembered his standing.

"I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Oh, shut up!"

He began to fake vomit to get on her nerves. Irritated once more, Odette jumped up.

"I'm telling your mother!" And with that, she spun on her heel and headed for the palace.

"You wouldn't!" he cried back. She ignored him and kept running, yelling over her shoulder but not stopping or slowing.

"Pig!"

"Stop calling me that!" he yelled after her.

Then he realized that she meant business and became desperate for her not to tell on him. He hurriedly got up and chased her back to the castle, pleading with her all the way.

"Get back here! I'll play dress-up with you!"


End file.
